13 February 2013

5 Ways To Kill Your Book

So you finally uploaded your e-book and you're ready to send it out into the world. Or maybe, you've done so, it's been weeks, and wow so many people are reading it. In fact, too many people. People are contacting you to talk about your book, wanting you to do events with them, and asking when the next book will be out. You didn't realize what a horrible burden this would be. You have no one to turn to, but one thing is certain... You have to kill your book.

Here are five sure-fire steps to make sure you kill and bury your book forever.

1. Delete your website. You don't need it, you don't need anyone! Try to erase as much web presence as possible. And, if you must be on the internet, make sure your Facebook pages, twitter, or any other social media is all under different username and NOT connected. The last thing in the world you want is for people to know anything about you or your book. Or, alternatively, keep your website, but load it with as many gadgets, music, and images as possible. Make sure anyone even daring to Google you will want to pull out their own fingernails by the time your page is loaded.

2. Do not respond to emails.
If you dare press that reply button you risk fans seeing you as likable and approachable. No matter how warm and friendly you are, you must fight off this urge. Be aloof, cold, and distant. In fact, forget you have an email all together. If you must reply to emails, make sure you do it as slowly as possible. It would be best that so much time has passed that the person you're responding to doesn't even remember who you are.

3. Snub other authors. This is obviously a game. And, like I said earlier, you don't need anyone. Whatever you do, do not try to make any connections with other authors. Don't try to be friends. And DO NOT READ THEIR BOOKS. The best way to kill your book and your career is to be as self-involved as possible and forget anything your mother ever taught you about manners or social etiquette.

4. Slap together the worst cover you can imagine. Don't hire an experienced book designer to put together a tasteful and appealing cover. Consider using clip art for your cover, it's free... right? Or, better yet, put a candid picture of your wife in her best Christmas sweater on the book cover. Cut her out using the wand tool in photoshop then put a wonderful starburst gradient behind her. Make your name bigger than the book title.

5. Do not giveaway your book. And definitely do not occasionally put it up for sale. This would cause other people to become curious about your book. It might even make them get it, read it, and recommend it to other readers. Under no circumstances should you be generous with your work. Expect everyone to buy your book for full price and be offended if anyone asks for a free copy to review.

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